Joke of the day

[Captaincademan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captaincademan]

"Why did the scarecrow win an award???"

haha - your gunna love this.....


"because he was outstanding in his field!!!!"

snigger snort.........

[SUZUDDIS Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SUZUDDIS]

Re: Joke of the day

ok here goes
"The fight we had last night was my fault"
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

There are lots but I think I'd offend someone on this planet by saying them.

Michael

[smithw Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close smithw]

Re: Joke of the day

i know what you mean.
I bought my wife the a book "things a monkey could cook".....

[tillyfromparadise Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close tillyfromparadise]

Re: Joke of the day

If a man is standing in the middle of a forest and there is no one around, if he says something is he still wrong?

[Captain Echidna Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Echidna]

Re: Joke of the day

So the idot goes into spares at his local dealership and says "I need a part for my engine, its part #710. The guy behind the counter says part numbers dont have three digits, it cant be 710. the bloke said "nah it was on my engine, but I forgot to put it back on. I will draw it, so he drew the part and as he wrote 710 on it the guy on the other side of the counter laughed and said "thats not 710, its upside down thats the OIL filler cap!"

[Captaincademan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captaincademan]

Re: Joke of the day

Things to ponder:

- Why did Kamakazi pilots wear helmets?

- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

- If Nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

- Why is it, whether you sit up or down, the result is the same?

- Is there another word for thesaurus?




and a really deep thought:

Is the colour orange named after the fruit of the same name, or is the fruit named after the colour? Which came first? the fruit or the colour?

[smithw Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close smithw]

Re: Joke of the day

If a man is standing in the middle of a forest and there is no one around, if he says something is he still wrong?

I heard this one before but it was worded differntly
If a man speaks in a forest and no woman hears him is he still wrong?

[froggo Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close froggo]

Re: Joke of the day

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

[SUZUDDIS Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SUZUDDIS]

Re: Joke of the day

Cade it's not really one word but I believe Synonym-Finder is another word for Thesaurus.

If a Parsley farmer is sued does he have his wages garnished ????

If a stealth bomber crashed in a forest would it make any noise ??

An I think we all went to the same joke site ......hahahhahahahaha

and then there's the one about the Closet Claustrophobic !!!!!!!

[Captaincademan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captaincademan]

Re: Joke of the day

You went to a joke site?????

Cheater.

[Captain Echidna Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Echidna]

Re: Joke of the day

Things I have wondered lately.
Why do they put up roadsigns saying "distractions are dangerous" ?

[Qwarla Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qwarla]

Re: Joke of the day

Things I have wondered about......

If you get scared 1/2 to death twice in a row, What happens?

[Qwarla Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qwarla]

Re: Joke of the day

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[ocsum Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ocsum]

Re: Joke of the day

Thats a good one!!

[SUZUDDIS Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SUZUDDIS]

Re: Joke of the day

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"